TAGRUATO LAUNCHES FIRST SATELLITE
Through its Bold Futura subsidiary, Tagruato successfully launched its first geostationary satellite “Hatsui” yesterday afternoon. At first, the launch was thought to be rescheduled because of poor weather conditions. Yesterday morning brought heavy rain and lightning strikes near the launch pad. Despite this adversity, however, the abort command was overruled by CEO Ganu Yoshida. After a five minute delay, the launch went off without any disasters.
Mission Chief Kenji Matsui claimed, “At first we thought the lightning might strike the satellite. It could cause a fire to catch within the electrical systems. It would have been seven years of hard work and sleepless night wasted.”
When asked why he overruled the abort command, Yoshida said, “Because here at Tagruato, we don’t let lightning stand in the way of achieving our goals. In this case that goal was reaching for the stars.”
Yoshida could not be more specific as to what “reaching for the stars” entails, but assured us, “It will be big.”
Bold Futura recently announced that one billion Yen will be allocated towards space research. “The future of man depends on our ability to spread outwards into the universe. At Tagruato, we want to be the first to take you there,” Yoshida added.”
BOLD FUTURA HIRES “DREAM TEAM”In a move surely to shake up the world of physics, Bold Futura has recruited one hundred of the top physics majors graduating from universities around the world. Most highly sought after was Johan Hedberg from Sweden. His internationally-acclaimed thesis on the intricate ecosystems of deep sea crevices landed him immediate tenure at his university but he turned it down for the opportunity to work for Bold Futura. “They offered me free reign to do whatever I want as long as the board approves and oversees it, “said Hedberg at Futura’s November press conference, “Plus I’ll have comfort and security for a long, long time.”
It is unclear what Futura’s expectations are for these young minds. The company is cheerfully vague regarding their intentions for the new all-star quantum squad.
“With those young, fresh minds working together, anything is possible. I’ve watched these new graduates - they have ideas on everything from creating new energy sources to starting us down the road to teleportation,” said Tokyo-based Professor Akira Okinawa. “As a citizen to Japan and the human race, I cannot think of a better place for their ideas to flourish. Bold Futura is cutting edge and innovative. It has a plan for us all.”
Ganu Yoshida is the CEO of Bold Futura’s parent company, Tagruato. When asked about this “quantum coup”, he answered, “Now that we have all the best minds, we won’t need to worry about competition. This is what the industry needs right now: a company focused not on what its competitors are doing, but instead what it can do to make the world a better place.”
American Mike Siegel graduated last May in a cap and gown. Now he’ll be on the other side of the world in a labcoat. He won’t miss home though. “They offered me a chance to make history and to work with the best in my field. How could I turn that down?”
In other news, BoldFutura.jp and BoldFutura.org are still fake.
* Thanks to Katherine for emailing about this. Go Tigers!